The legendary Hollywood producer Samuel Goldwyn was negotiating a contract with an actor who insisted that he was asking for $1,500 a week…
"No, you're not," said Goldwyn. "You're asking for $1,200 and I'm giving you $1,000." Unlike the bullied actor, you can more successfully work out clashes at home and work if you know and use a handful of techniques.
The best conflict resolution is not slash-and-burn warfare, in which one party emerges as top dog. Rather, conflict resolution is the way mature people trade things of value in a civil fashion. The goal is not to win at any cost, but to succeed. And the best mechanisms for that? Collaboration, listening, and good negotiation skills. Moreover, using mature conflict resolution saves time, reduces
stress, prevents continuing hassles and—at work—increases productivity.
"Disagreements of all sorts are better smoothed if you practice active listening," says Steve Cohen, owner of The Negotiation Skills Company and author of
How to Fight Fires Without Burning Bridges. "In too many discussions, many people are only waiting for the other person to finish speaking so they can flatten him with an overpowering response."
Adds Erik J. Van Slyke, author of
Listening to Conflict: Finding Constructive Solutions to Workplace Disputes, "Don't use arguing, high-pressure persuading, cajoling, sulking, bullying, or foot stamping. In the midst of disagreement, these tactics fall on deaf ears. Nobody listens. And listening is the key to finding constructive resolutions."
Here are some techniques for improving your conflict resolution skills:
"Most new managers and many bosses adopt an egocentric attitude and insist: 'Do what I say. And if you do not like it, there is the door'," says Tom Bray, author of
Change Your Attitude: Create Success One Thought at a Time. But the most skilled bosses and managers lessen divergence by doing twice as much listening as talking. If you have a dictatorial supervisor, Bray suggests that you ask for some one-on-one time and explain that communication is important for getting the best possible job done.
You will also cope better with conflict if you realize that most things in business are in a constant state of change. "We live in such a fast-paced world today. You should expect and embrace change as an opportunity for growth," says Seal.
Using the same techniques, a family can increase the peace during, say, vacations with teens. Because parents and teens share few tastes in music, food, dress, movies, and sports, wiser parents do well by listening to their kids' needs before packing the family bus. By talking to travel agents, getting books and brochures, and researching online travel sites, you will find places that offer various activities for different age groups. Thus, everybody gets some of what they want and are more likely to be agreeable during the trip.
Resolving conflicts should be done in person, not via email. Many work-related problems are caused by emails that are poorly understood. When this happens, it is better to discuss the problem in person rather than continue to discuss it through email. Here is how to set the stage for successful resolution:
Remember that conflict is part of the normal range of interactions that we have in day-to-day life. Resolving conflict often leads to stronger relationships because two sides working together to solve a problem often arrive at a better solution than each side working alone.
American Psychological Association
Mental Health America
Canadian Psychiatric Association
Canadian Psychological Association
Conflict resolution. Academic Leadership Support website. Available at: http://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/resolution/index.asp. Accessed March 3, 2010.
Conflict Resolution/Peer Mediation Research Project website. Available at:
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